Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
