i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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