He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
