and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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