Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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