Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
