i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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