Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
