were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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