pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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