Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
