if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
