Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
