End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
