Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
