Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
