you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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