Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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