farters have to be the big spoon...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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