Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
