So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
