Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
