If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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