He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
