Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
