This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
