ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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