so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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