i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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