I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
pray to the hookup gods
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
