I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
