my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up under a house in Key West
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