I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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