I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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