I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
