So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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