So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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