Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
