is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
