i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
