it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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