2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
