this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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