My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
