I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize