k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
