You really coming over, don't trick.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
