Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
