I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize