Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
