I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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