He is such a slut. More and more my type.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
