He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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