If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
