I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
