I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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