I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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