How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
